There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (via candyshroom)

From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.

Edvard Munch


The unfamiliar and unwelcome sensation of jealousy crept up my spine and took root there, making me cringe. Just the mention of the fact that he was hanging out with another girl was enough to elicit such a response. Fear crept over me in place of jealously as I realized how deep my feelings for him were getting. Memories stirred from the archives of my mind of all the tears I had shed and all the excruciating pain that past flames had caused me that tore up my insides. I allowed them to overwhelm me for a millisecond before shoving them back in the past where they belonged. I’m scared, and as a result my response is slowly backing away from the object of my affections. As much as I love him I won’t allow him to hurt me despite knowing he goes out of his way to avoid it and beats himself up over the slightest offense against me. All my adolescent life I’ve been called heartless, cold, unemotional, and every mention of that word to describe me is worth all the potential heartbreaks I avoided. I’ve cried too many times over events that had nothing to do with romantic love, and that is one aspect of my ongoing battle with overcoming this depression I do not want to add to my mourning. As always, everything about how I feel about him is a contradiction. 

I love you but I won’t let you hurt me. 

i will not apologize for being too much for you.
i saw that girl in the dress that fell midway from thigh to knee.
you called her a slut and when i looked down at my own hemline i wondered what you truly thought of me.
do you remember the rosy lipstick that you asked me not to wear because i was “pretty without it?”
so did you think i was ugly with it?
for a month you needed a haircut but i never said anything because if you like it long you like it long,
but then you said “all i ask is don’t wear your hair up, i like it more down”
as if your opinion was supposed to matter so much to me.
so i’m not sorry for wearing tight dresses or for not holding my tongue.
i’m not sorry for keeping the lipstick
or for making more money than you
or for losing my temper when you rolled your eyes at my convictions.
i was a river and you were a dam;
you should have known i would crash through you.
i was the noise you wanted to silence and the pistol you wanted to lock
and no, i will never apologize.

if you wanted a girl you could control, you picked the wrong one. (via sheets-and-eyelids)

Trip back home ‘14



Whirlwind of flights | shopping in Seoul | my first baseball game | catching up with childhood friends | reuniting with family members | roaming around with friends in the hushed streets at midnight | endless cafes, restaurants, arcades | pool with my mates at the place where I met my boyfriend.  

Miniature suns

Your brights eyes envelop light as I see through dilated pupils, halos encircling bulbs of light and colors-magnified. Your coursing blood, silenced by my throbbing veins, and time crawls slowly as does ghosts of motion, camera flashes with every blink of my eyes. Music finds my ears where there is none, eyes wide, staring warily, paranoid. Everything disassembled  into their simplest forms. Dusts of water, miniature suns. 

I forgot what I was on when I wrote this. 


lmfao David Luiz transferred to PSG before most of World Cup shenanigans began (although it was still shocking considering the amount). no one anticipated him being bought for that amount but everyone glazed over it for the most part until the brazil-germany game. also Suarez has been playing for liverpool since 2011 before being bought by barcelona this transfer season, get your facts straight.

Uh, don’t remember indicating that I thought Luiz transferred after the world cup brah. I said the most shocking transfers since the transfer season opened, which included the time before that world cup match as you obviously know. I was just saying despite his performance at the world cup I have so much respect for him and I want to see how he does in PSG. And that last part, yeah my mistake. Didn’t fact check what I wrote and got them mixed up. Point is I was shocked any team would sign Suarez so quickly after what he did. Anyone else want to point out the holes in my post? go on lol 


Just 2 things about Kroos. 1. Real Madrid players were a bunch of arrogant fucks only because of Pep. If you're going to call us arrogant then you have to face that Guardiola had it coming after mocking us and telling lies in press conference before the match. 2. Toni never said that Real Madrid is a "step above" Bayern Munich. Believe me, I speak German and he was mistranslated. He literally said that Real Madrid was the next step in his career, that he had already won it all with Bayern.

Had it coming? So it was revenge for what Pep said? That’s disappointing that they exhibited such bad behavior just to spite a coach that got carried away at a press conference. As for the second one, I stand corrected then. I had just assumed that was what he said because of all the buzz my other bayern fans were making initially after his statement came out. Most of the ones that reacted were the English fans but a German fan reacted the same way so I just thought what they were saying was true. In hindsight I really shouldn’t have been writing on tumblr at 6am especially to mock other teams and players so that was a bad decision on my part lol…

My list of the most shocking football transfers (so far)

I’ve been preoccupied with school and the last few days of my internship, but I always try to make time for football regardless of the fact that I usually have to wake up at around 12mm-3am to watch games live (I was both bummed and relieved at the end of the World Cup, 4 more years of a chance at regular sleep until it starts up again). I’ve finally had some time to conference with my footy buds and discuss latest football transfer rumors, etc. This is just a random list of transfers that shocked me the most since the transfer window opened.

The closest to home:

1. Kroos to Real Madrid

-A little background, my favorite team is Bayern Munich, the team Toni Kroos used to play for. Bayern players come and go (We’ll miss you, Mandzukic, who btw is transferring to Atletico Madrid) but I was surprised that Kroos transfered to REAL of ALL the possible FUCKING teams he could have gone to. Real were a bunch of arrogant fucks against Bayern in last season’s CL final, the match that changed my high opinion of them dramatically. 

The pulling a Beckham:

2. Kaka to Orlando FC and Lampard to New York City FC

-Okay, even if you aren’t a die hard football fan and you only have a small knowledge of football in general, you might have heard of these guys. They’re kind of, you know, legends in their own right, no biggie, WHO ARE TRANSFERRING TO A COUNTRY WHO CALLS IT SOCCER. I heard about Frank Lampard’s transfer through FIFA’s twitter page, and the news about Kaka from a friend. I was in so much shock that I just sat there staring at my screen not knowing what do with myself. More so one of my other friends when I told him, who’s English and actually grew up watching Lampard and was totally floored by the news. Oh, and guess what his transfer fee is. Nothing. Yeah, its a free transfer. For fucks sake. 

Back where he belongs:

3. Didier Drogba back to Chelsea FC

-I won’t lie, I laughed when I first heard he was transferring to Galatasaray a few years ago, after he led Chelsea FC to victory over Bayern Munich in the 2012 CL Final which I totally didn’t resent him for (not because I had anything against Galatasaray, because he was such a key player in Chelsea and he left them). When he left Chelsea didn’t even make it past the group stages at next season’s CL, which, just fyi, Bayern won that year along with two other championships, hahhh ;). Now he’s back on a one-year contract, and I’m actually pretty excited to see him back in action with the rest of those blue shirts.

The dude who cried at the World Cup after losing to Germany

4. David Luiz to PSG

-Okay, I wouldn’t necessarily consider this shocking, but this took me by surprise in the same way that Fabregas’ transfer to Chelsea did. Despite his performance (or lack thereof) at the World Cup semi-final, I actually respect the guy a lot as a defender. Don’t know how it’ll play out because I don’t follow the Ligue 1 but we’ll see…

The fucking psycho

5. Luis Suarez to Barcelona** (originally said Liverpool, my bad)

-You might have heard of that one dude who’s suspended from football because of biting another player at the World Cup. This is, correct me if I’m wrong, the third fucking timehe’s bit another player during a match. The fact that Barca signed him despite clear orders that he isn’t supposed to be partaking in any football activity whatsover is like telling FIFA to go screw themselves. Just, weird. 

and although Hummels isn’t from Bayern I’m disturbed by Man Utd (hands off, van Gaal) and Barcelona’s interest in him. He belongs in Dortmund, end of. 

*it’s 6am and I havent gotten any sleep yet so i might have sounded a little erratic.

23rd chromosome

What does it matter how much melanin is in our skin or how little, what names we utter with closed eyes and hands together, or if we believe what comes after death is only darkness. What does it matter what letter we encircle, M or F, or if you hesitate at the only two choices. What does it matter who you choose to love, whether they have two of the same 23rd chromosomes as you or if there’s a Y instead. We breathe the same air with our lungs and love with the same area of our brain. The same neurotransmitters course through our synapses when we are angry, and are silenced when we are calm. The same bones hold each others hands regardless of the color of the skin above it. When we are cut, we bleed with blood that was spun with the same genetic complement save for 0.1%. And when we decay, all that’s left is our skeletons, and only then we are considered equal in death without skin or scarves or genitals that determined our worth when we were alive.

GERMANY WON THE FUCKING WORLD CUP FUCK YASSS | First day back at the studio for a shoot | I went to class with a tiara on and my classmates corrected the professor every time he didn’t add Queen before my name | Three houses burned down on my street | I went to see a musical where I sat there awkwardly not laughing because I didn’t understand the language | Getting high on good ass sativa at my bae’s place.

Bells on December 25

Through a film of tears pooling in my eyes I appraised the woman in front of me. Hair cut in a way that evoked not much style as convenience. Face touched by not a speck of make up. Sensible steel framed eye glasses that gave her an air of authority. Simple white floral blouse, no accessories. I looked at the woman in front of me, my thesis advisor, a mother of two, former chairperson of a non-government organization specializing in the rights of overseas workers, but more importantly, my favorite professor.The voice in which she spoke quivered with every syllable, ready to break at any moment. What began as a consultation for my thesis in sex trafficking became her telling us stories of the things she had witnessed in Sabah while on duty for her foundation. Men working in slave-like conditions, forced into backbreaking work then locked up at the end of the day in warehouses like storage boxes preparing to be shipped. But the men, they weren’t going anywhere. Neither the next day, nor the next. Women, and that’s stretching their age as far as it would go, dancing around poles wearing as much as they’re paid- next to nothing- with a hollow look in their eyes and a weakness in their shoulders. Yet she tells us, she tells us these people don’t want to leave. She tells us, this man who is worked until his fingers are blistered, this girl who is molested and raped and abused and who knows what else, don’t want to return home. She tells us, because they say that this hell, ‘this hell is better than the hell back home’.. where they have no jobs, no prospects, no nothing. And as her voice finally broke as did the barrier that was holding back my tears, those words rang in my ears with the persistence of Christmas bells on December 25 when I don’t even celebrate that holiday.

this hell is better than the hell back home.

On Pliés

I think back to all the times where I had made myself proud. Or more importantly, my mother proud. When my fingers used to move on their own accord across ivory piano keys, with my eyes closed in blissful concentration. When they filled in the blanks and circles in tests and were met with a red check next to them. When they thumbed through books deemed too advance for my age and ended on the last page with my head swimming with questions I wanted the answer to. When my feet landed in plies, on their tiptoes, on a 90 degree angle extended in front of me with the other foot 90 degrees facing the other direction behind me and my hands forming a gentle oval above my head. When they kicked with all their might against water filling a huge rectangular depression in the earth, my body half exposed to strangers in the same attire, dripped wet with red marks around their eyes where their goggles formed vaccuums. I remember all this with a nostalgic fondness, for the little girl so full of promise that lay dead within my very self. And I turned to tell my friend, “Sometimes I ask my mother, remember when my life was going somewhere?” and my friend tells me reassuringly, “but it is going somewhere.”

and sadly, I reply, more to myself than her, “But not in the direction I want it to go.”